December seems to be the month I really get busy over here. Well, let's see if it's worth your and my time.
TMA results are in. And no good ones. ☹️ It's been quite the disappointment when I opened the results section. And a lot of thoughts have been spinning through my head.
"Maybe you're indeed too old!" "What were you thinking???" "Be honest with yourself: You cannot do this!"
To summarise: no helpful thoughts. Just the usual not-being-good-enough way of thinking. Story of my life. But then I got quite far in life despite these thoughts. It's not like they really stopped me pursuing things when I really wanted to... okay, maybe there's been one or two things I did not follow through with, but let's not stick at trifles. 🙃
I know I'll probably need a couple of days to shake this feeling of being incapable off. And then try to do my best for the next TMA.
However, this comes at a time when confidence is really needed. And that's what is bothering me. In January, I am going to sit the DipTrans exam. This is a different kind of qualification that's more geared towards meeting industry requirements. But demanding nevertheless. I've prepared for this with the help of a tutor, and it's been quite helpful to work through my work with somebody else. I have felt well prepared, so far. But now I keep wondering if it would be better to defer to the next exam date, which would be in July 2026. Will more preparation time lead to better results? Not sure about that.
Plus, I only found out yesterday that I am going to sit the exam at the end of January. The official dates as published by the CIOL do not apply to me as I've registered the exam with a partner institute, the one I did the preparation course with, and they have different exam days. sigh It's these kind of things that make me feel even more incompetent.
Now I have to tell my employer I won't be away when I said I would but a week later. 🤷🤷🤷 And there again, incompetence that I will have to reveal to my supervisor today. And more negative thoughts: "If I had to work with somebody like that I would refuse to collaborate!" Or: "That person should be fired!" And so on...
I have a couple of hard days in front of me until these thoughts get less harmful. I know they do, in the end they always do. But I just wished it would be easier after so many years... 😢